We often think that in most conflicts there are two sides of that conflict, only two sides of the story: labour vs. management; husband vs. wife; country X vs. country Y, and we often forget that there is a third party to every conflict.

This third party could be individuals in our families, our friends, neighbours, supervisors, politicians, and institutions, and systemic forces that exist outside and beyond just two individuals, such as class, gender, and race. Acknowledging the existence of this third party is a crucial step towards resolving conflict because third parties can help or hinder a conflict between people. Advisors of our lives have an enormous influence on shaping and at times contributing to, or transforming the conflict.

We can often choose which third party, or which advisors, we will bring into a conflict. Choose your third party carefully, they have a lot of power in shaping your conflict.

The third party can remind the two parties in conflict what is ultimately at stake in the situation, what really matters, and what do the parties ultimately want. When we are deep in any conflict, we begin to lose sight of what’s really important. The third party can see with a bit more clarity, with a more meta-view of the situation.

One thing I learned from my partner early on in my relationship was that my partner would ask me what I want from him in a conversation. When I made him the third party in a conflict by bringing up a situation at work, or something in the family that was weighing on me, he would listen, validate and generally be in my corner, but I quickly picked up on something very interesting that he would ask me:

“What would you like from me in this conversation?”

This is a profound question that any third party should ask in order to orient the person in conflict towards their needs and their goals.

My partner would sometimes follow up by asking: “Do you want some advice or do you want me to listen to you?” Although my answer usually would be ‘I want you to listen to me’, I would then move on to ‘okay now give me your advice’. And because I had asked for his advice I was less defensive towards his questions and possible suggestions. Sometimes I wouldn’t ask for his advice and in those instances, I really appreciated that he wouldn’t offer it without my solicitation. I appreciated that he was mindful about giving me what I wanted out of that conversation, which often was/is being listened to.

What is important in that question of ‘do you want some advice or do you want me to listen to you?’, is highlighting an agreement of how the person wants the conversation to proceed and their explicit consent for any advice-giving. 

Because here is one of the most important things about advice-giving: if it’s unwanted, it will fall flat.

This is what I urge every advisor to do: When a friend, colleague, partner, a family member comes to you with something they need to talk about it, first listen and validate, then ASK permission and clarification: ‘would you like me to listen to you more? Or would you like me to offer some suggestions?’ ‘How would you like me to best support you, because I don’t want to give unsolicited advice?’

People will often tell us what they need and if advice is not what they are seeking, in the words of Jane Austen, the advice will ‘reach someone’s ears but won’t reach their hearts’. And the heart is what we want to speak to. And for those in conflict, ask for advice from the people who you admire regarding their conflict resolutions skills, because the third party that you bring into a conflict can enormously help or hinder the transformation and resolution of your conflict.