I was recently in a Tim Horton’s and was faced with a potentially escalating situation. There was a man in the Tim Horton’s, who appeared a bit unwell. He was yelling how he wanted everyone to just leave him alone and not get near him or he would lose it and do some harm to people, even though no one was near him. I was in the line waiting to order. He got out of his seat and walked closer to the line and towards me and said again even more loudly: “did you hear me? I said I don’t want anyone to get near me.” 

As I was assessing the safety of the situation, one of the cashiers intervened by saying: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave”. I felt a bit supported but could feel the tension rising. The man kept repeating that he didn’t want anyone near him and the cashier kept repeating how he had to leave the store. Then I remembered one of the fundamentals of de-escalation techniques which is to approach a potentially escalating situation and the person with empathy and the display of that empathy. 

As he kept repeating himself, I began nodding my head and calmly and evenly said “yes that makes sense you don’t want anyone near you.” He agreed that ‘finally’ someone understood him and he just didn’t want anyone near him, which he repeated several times more. I nodded to all and reaffirmed that he made sense that he wanted his personal space to be respected. A bit calmer, he walked out of the store and I approached the counter knowing how differently a situation like that can turn out.

I have been reading about the increase in the level of violence on the TTC and have been aware of the increase in tension levels in everyday interactions. These situations are by nature unpredictable (and the ones on the TTC are outright dangerous, which I will also address) and yet using the following tools provide the best chance for a better outcome in such situations. In this post I will tell you about de-escalation methods and the do’s and the don’ts of such volatile situations.

But first, what is de-escalation?

In conflictual situations “escalation” refers to ‘escalation towards violence’, particularly physical violence. De-escalation is the prevention of physical violence by identifying precursor signs of escalation and responding appropriately to them. It is about preventing a situation from becoming volatile or reversing the course that started to escalate. Therefore, the goal of de-escalation is singular: prevent physical violence in that particular moment. This means that the goal is not to make friends, make someone happy, educate someone, or permanently change their behaviour. 

De-escalation Steps:

1. Identify someone escalating 

2. Assess whether it’s safe for you to intervene 

3. Approach them in a non-confrontational way

4. Listen actively and communicate your understanding with empathy

1. Identify Someone Escalating

Human beings fundamentally want to connect with each other and feel understood. They also want to feel in control of their lives. When people feel neither understanding or power, they can start to feel threatened and unsafe. This can trigger a neurological response, often known as fight, flight, or freeze.  It’s also called an “amygdala hijack”, which simply means that the emotional centre of the brain, the amygdala, starts to take over from the logical part of the brain, truly stopping them from thinking. 

This means that someone escalating is, in a way, saying “I feel disconnected and scared, please help me”.  

Wanting to de-escalate a situation is entering the situation with this knowledge that since people want to connect, we want to help them feel connected. Since they want to feel safe and in control, we want to help them feel safe and in control. When people are in the process of escalating, there’s usually what we call a “window of opportunity” to do an effective intervention.  A time after a person starts showing signs they’re escalating but before they become violent or even abusive.  During this window, they might be highly unpleasant and difficult to talk with, but they’re engageable and wanting to connect. The earlier you identify the escalation, the more chances you’ll have to intervene.  These early signs will be seen in their pattern of speech or non-verbal communication - look for the way they’re saying things rather than what they’re saying. 

Signs to notice - Escalating body language:

• Flushed or pale face

• Sweating

• Pacing, restless, or repetitive movements

• Signs of extreme fatigue (e.g., dark circles under the eyes)

• Trembling or shaking

• Clenched jaws or fists

• Exaggerated or violent gestures

• Change in voice (either very loudly or very quietly

• Loud talking or chanting

• Shallow, rapid breathing

• Scowling, sneering or use of abusive language

• Glaring or avoiding eye contact

• Violating your personal space (they get too close)

I highlight these non-verbal signs partly because in a tense situation one can make the mistake of focusing on verbal content, instead of seeing the person as a whole, which includes what their body is doing.

2. Assess whether it’s safe to intervene

Broadly speaking everyone can be de-escalated, but that doesn’t mean everyone should be de-escalated by anybody.  

Assess safety:

• Listen to your gut, don’t enter a situation that you feel unsafe. 

• If someone is spewing out profanity, if they are yelling and not allowing you to talk, they don’t want to listen to you. You can’t de-escalate someone through talking/yelling over them. 

• If someone is physically violent, kicking and destroying things, don’t try to de-escalate. 

3. Approach (or reorient yourself to) them in a non-confrontational way 

Start from a kind and empathic space. Orient yourself to the possibilities of what could have happened to this person just before you encountered them: did they have a rough night and didn’t get enough sleep? Are they dealing with some physical pain? Did they get in a fight with their partner?

These thoughts will help you reorient your mind to understand that even if there’s anger directed at you, it’s not about you. Respect their personal space and be aware of your own. Make sure your own body language is non-confrontational.

4. Listen actively (without judgement), and communicate your understanding with empathy 

Active listening stems from a kind and generous space. It focuses on the emotions behind the words as opposed to the words themselves. 

For example, when someone’s angry and yelling, not only is it important not to automatically assume that they’re angry with you, but it’s good practice to assume that their anger makes sense at least to them. Once you begin listening with the thought that the person’s feelings make sense, even if their thoughts do not, you can begin to validate someone’s feelings as opposed to arguing with their thoughts. 

Validation of one’s feelings is what the person who is escalating needs the most. 

This doesn’t mean that the person is right for yelling at you, nor does this mean that we condone aggressive behaviours. But this does mean that if de-escalation is your goal, approaching the escalating person with compassion and empathy towards their feelings will take you far. 

Remember, people start to escalate for a variety of reasons, but the common thread is that their concerns are not being listened to and addressed in the way they want.  Their escalation is an attempt to communicate the importance of their pain, feelings and thoughts. You may not be able to comply with their requests, but you can try to communicate that the requests and statements themselves make sense. It is both having empathy for the person and showing it through validation of the person’s feelings. In the next post, we will give you more specific conversational tools - what to say and what not to say - while de-escalating a situation.