People so often tell me “I’m sorry I guess I’m just conflict avoidant”, and I always respond with the same thing: Avoiding conflict is great! And it gets quite an unfair reputation. Avoiding conflict is often the healthy first step to managing  every conflict, because it’s free and it can work pretty well. For example, if you’re in a long line up at the grocery store after a hard day’s work and someone three spots up cuts in line with their cart, what are your options?

1. Yell from the back of the line 

2. Walk up to them and tell them how inconsiderate they’re being

3. Try to find a manager to point out what’s happening

4. Do nothing, wait the extra couple of minutes for that person to check out

Which option gets you home the fastest? Probably option 4: Avoiding the conflict. The other options have a big chance of delaying your return home, or for 1 and 2, getting you assaulted! 

We solve and manage so many every day tensions, disagreements or conflicts by doing nothing and letting the situation pass, and I fully support everyone doing this, if it works. 

The only way avoidance causes problems is when we don’t recognize and accept when it’s not working. Quite often when a problem is ignored and it starts getting worse people will unconsciously say to themselves “Well, my avoiding isn’t working… maybe if I just avoid more, maybe that will help?” and of course it doesn’t, and so the conflict grows until it gets so big it can’t be ignored any longer.

4 signs it’s time to give our faithful friend “Avoidance” a well-deserved break:

1. You keep thinking about the problem

2. You are thinking of quitting (or just showing up at the airport and taking the first flight anywhere!)

3. You’re getting stress related health issues (e.g. grinding teeth, insomnia, stomach problems, weak-immune system/frequent colds)

4. You’re not able to “be the person I want to be” (e.g. becoming irritable, withdrawn) 

These are alarm bells signaling that in these cases not only avoidance has not worked but it has worsened the situation. It is important to recognize and acknowledge for yourself the times that avoidance has helped you managing the problem and the times when it exasperated the issue. In those times you need to bring out other tools to help you manage the conflict and the very first one is to ask yourself ‘What’s my purpose?’. More on this soon!

Let’s handle the situations where our friend Avoidance can’t take care of it, so it can go back to calmly taking charge of those silly line-cutters at the grocery store.