De-escalation Tools (Part II): What to say and what not to say
In our last post, I wrote about the reasons why people escalate and the importance of concrete de-escalation techniques. In this post, I will expand on those techniques in more detail and will highlight the times that not following these steps will in fact heighten the conflict and further escalate the situation. And it bears repeating that not only do you need to be aware of signs of escalation because you only have a limited window of opportunity to de-escalate, but you must take into account your own safety. Always assess whether or not a situation is safe for you to enter into.
So you have assessed that it is safe to intervene. What do you do and say?
Start from a kind place
De-escalation, a reversal of a potentially violent situation, requires calm and even presence and speech. You can’t de-escalate someone through the same pattern of speech that they’re employing. You must be calm (or at the very least project calmness) and the easiest way to do this is to begin with kindness.
Remember, we as human beings want to connect with others and want to feel in control of our own lives. When that sense of connection and control is threatened, we can resort to escalating behaviours to get our needs met. The person who is escalating is only trying to get their needs met. And a great way to do that, is to ask for their name and use it in your conversation. People often respond positively towards hearing their name.
2. Listen without judgement
If you’re trying to de-escalate, do not argue!
De-escalation works when we can show that we are listening without judging someone because we are trying to connect with the feelings. Don’t try to provide counter arguments or facts. Arguments are judgement of ideas and if we’re not careful in our language, arguments can be judgements of the person as well. De-escalation is not the space to convince anyone of any new ideas. The goal of de-escalation is singular: to avoid physical harm in that moment. That goal is best served with listening to someone without judging them.
Listen to people’s emotions and validate their emotions. People’s emotions always make sense to them and you don’t have to agree with the situation to validate someone’s emotions.
3. Focus on what you can agree on
A good way to be able to do this is by finding common interests. What do you have in common with the person who is escalating? And here is a clue: at the very least neither of you want to be in that situation. An escalating person wants their needs met, they want to go home, they want to relax and not have to fight for their rights, they want peace. And so do you. Try something like: “Both of us want to get out of here, let’s see how we can work together to achieve that.”
And what you can agree on most often is about the emotion behind the words. Put yourself in the person’s shoes, when was the last time you waited so long for an answer, were stuck in traffic, had a bad day that nothing seemed to be going right? What did you need the most in those moments? The answer to this question is often the validation of those feelings when nothing else could have been done.
Instead of saying: “Do you think you’re the only one who has to wait in the line?” try “It sucks having to wait so long, especially when you’re in a hurry and probably have so many things on your plate.”
4. Communicate what you understand & validate feelings
It is not enough to simply say “I understand”, for best connections you must demonstrate your understanding.
Validating someone’s feelings is a way of communicating your understanding. And paraphrasing their thoughts is another way to show them how you’re listening to them. People want to hear their thoughts reflected back to them. For example, “You’re frustrated that you have to wait so long to get some answers about your case.” Or “It sounds like you have been dealing with so much trying to resolve this issue and you have become frustrated and upset over the process.”
5. Check out whether your understanding is correct
During any conversation but particularly a de-escalation conversation it’s important to not make any assumptions about what is happening to the person and check-out all your understanding by asking whether or not you have gained a proper knowledge of the situation. Checking-out your understanding is another way to communicate your understanding of the situation and reflect back what the person has been expressing. People want to be heard, understood, and like to see that understanding reflected back to them from their listener.
Other helpful tips:
Allow time and silence throughout and try not to jump into problem-solving quickly
Don’t argue facts, agree on feelings and validate them
Be aware of your own non-verbal communication and body language
Let people walk away or end the interaction
Set and respect limits for yourself and them
