How to encourage your teammates to work together on solving interpersonal disputes
Collaborative problem solving at its core is a form of negotiation, and negotiation is something we do everyday, whether we realize it or not. From choosing which movie to watch with your partner, to how much to pay for that second-hand board game, to terminating someone’s employment, these are all forms of negotiations. As workplace mediators we often work with employees whose disagreement and conflict has risen to the point that they can no longer communicate with each other effectively. They are often caught in a cycle of repeatedly bringing up past behaviours and incidents, spending a lot of focus and energy on the mistakes of one another, and considering the mistakes as a sign of the other person’s lack of care and respect.
The cycle of these thoughts and this way of thinking can create an impasse between two people where both people can become so positional that they lose sight of the deeper issues. These are some of the tools of collaborative problem solving that we use during mediation in order to help people to see the problem together and work collaboratively to resolve their dispute.
In other words these are tools to help people in conflict negotiate an agreement together:
Honor the past and work towards the future.
The past both informs us about the present and also colours how we view it. We can’t ignore the past since it has shaped us and since it has created a collective of experiences where we can judge the current situation up against and make decisions. And yet collaborative problem solving will require us to actively and intentionally agree to act differently than in the past. This could simply be agreeing to truly listen to one another and try to understand each person’s perspective without agreeing with them.
At work, where the relationship between colleagues are important for the continuity and productivity of the team, it is important to be intentional about setting aside time to allow each person to talk about the past and about the impact of those situations on their lives both in and outside of the workplace, and for the other party to listen with openness and curiosity.
And it is also equally important to acknowledge that part of this work is about making sure that such conflicts are addressed differently in the future and for certain behaviours to cease to exist. If the ultimate goal is to work towards a future that is different from the past, the majority of the focus of such collaborative meetings should be on the future.
One such future-focus question is about the relationship between the two people in conflict: knowing that you have to work together to get the job done, what kind of relationship do you want to have with each other in the future? What would that look like and how would you work towards that?
So honor the past for what it was and what it taught you, and work towards building a different future.
DO NOT expect that your relationship will change overnight or that there will not be setbacks
You might have had a challenging but a positive conversation with a colleague about the impact of some jokes that you consider to be racial microaggressions. You feel as though you have turned a page with this colleague until they show up one day talking about their favourite comedian’s routine and their jokes about a specific racial minority.
Courageous conversations about the impact of other people’s behaviours on us, especially if they’re about racial and gender microaggressions, are never ‘one and done’. Thinking that you will have that conversation once and the person will never repeat that behaviour is a recipe for failure. People often, if not always, do not and cannot change their behaviours overnight. Those traits and behaviours that have been practiced for decades will take time to shift. Make allowances for slip-ups and mistakes, because people will inevitably make mistakes. For example, on the path to being an anti-racist, people will practice and sometimes come up short. Sometimes they do a good job and sometimes not so much.
Recognize that these types of ‘setbacks’ might happen and in fact they’re very normal. The simple process of knowing that they will happen, will realign your expectations and will make it easier to deal with those ‘set-backs’. The important thing is to recognize and then encourage each other when positive steps are made and not to become discouraged when difficulties arise. And this is how you use appreciation as one of the most underrated tools of negotiation.
Appreciation as a Tool of Negotiation
We often celebrate big successes at work, when a project finishes, when we wrap up that research project, when the proposal is submitted, etc. But often we forget to celebrate and appreciate the little things that people do in order to get the job done: being present in a meeting and contributing to ideas, helping another colleague get through a tough time, submitting the work on-time so the rest of the team can begin their work, etc.
Although these may seem like the everyday responsibilities of people, and some indeed are, it doesn’t follow that we should not express our gratitudes for a job well done. People are so often poised to give and receive negative criticism, things that can be improved on and become better, and in that process we forget that appreciation as a positive reinforcement not only helps with the everyday job responsibilities of colleagues, but it will also help us negotiate changes. Consider this appreciation:
“When they were thanking everyone for their contributions to the project and they forgot to mention me, I really appreciated you stopping them to tell me about my contributions and how much I had worked in the pre-research phase to make sure the process goes without a hitch.”
This declaration of appreciation is an acknowledgment of the support that one colleague provided the other. These declarations make the person feel seen for their action and they in turn not only appreciate that very feedback but also become much more likely to reciprocate what they appreciate about the other person. Acknowledgement of the smallest amount of appreciation brings people closer together and when you will inevitably come across a contentious issue you can use your history of appreciation of one another to resolve the current dispute.
Appreciation is a tool of positive reinforcement and it has been scientifically proven that positive reinforcement is a very effective tool to encourage behavioural change. It can be particularly powerful when we talk about reducing gender and racial microaggressions at work. For many people, our minds tend to focus on the mistakes, the negative behaviours and events, and to point only those out in order for them to be corrected. This is an important task, but if it’s not paired with appreciation of when people do something right, it can feel as though the only feedback is a negative one.
One last tip:
It’s important to note, that although you can use the above tools for many issues around racial and gender microaggressions, they may not all be appropriate in cases where there was a clear violation of the company’s policies and/or the law. In those cases the process of collaborative problem-solving needs to take place among more senior management in consultation with those who were harmed to work together on ensuring future policies and processes address those needs.
And in cases where it is appropriate to use these tools and bring parties together, both people in conflict must be willing and commit to a process of collaborative problem-solving. People cannot be forced to collaborate together, but they can be encouraged and supported through appropriate means.
We’ve been part of workplace mediation where people actively chose to be open and honest and through that owned up to their mistakes and contributions and were able to create closer relationships. And we have been part of workplace mediations where the parties refused to comply with some of the most basic tenants of this process which terminated the mediation process and with it the hopes of a better working relationship. Collaborative problem-solving only happens when people act together, collectively, to solve the problem that is facing all of them.
